Well, as I take a deep breath, I think it’s finally time for a happy update on my surrogacy journey!
I’ve spent the last few months on pins and needles, crossing my fingers that the third time would be the charm, and that this pregnancy would be the one to survive. At 16 weeks now, I feel like I can safely say – we made it! I am pregnant with twins (OMG!), and everything has been progressing beautifully. My wonderful intended parents are so completely over the moon. The excitement and anticipation in the air when I see them is almost palpable. I get a little teary every time I see the appreciation and adoration they have for me, and this gift I am giving them. Although this journey has not been an easy one, it has been SO worth it. Without a doubt.
Our second embryo transfer ended in another early miscarriage, back in April. To say that we were all devastated would be an understatement. You could literally see dreams shattering to the ground, and hope dissipating rapidly, as we said goodbye to yet another lost baby. And, my spirit was becoming dull and defeated. I questioned whether or not I could go through this again…whether or not I could accept that this was not because of something I had done or not done, and stop blaming myself. I was feeling like a complete and utter failure.
Miscarriage is HARD.
I took a few weeks to heal and take care of myself. Wonderful friends delivered homemade soups and fresh flowers, and showered me with love. Day by day, I crawled out of my hole, and began to forgive myself. I accepted the fact that I had done everything I could to make this work. I took 2 injections in my bum every day… I pumped my body full of synthetic hormones that made me fat and bloated and completely unbearable to be around…I nourished my body and prepared to carry those babies as best as I knew how. But, for some reason greater than we will ever understand, those pregnancies were not meant to be. Timing was not right, and the universe wasn’t about to let us ruin it’s plan, no matter how badly we wanted it. The universe always has a plan.
So one day, I got out of bed, pulled up my big girl panties and decided to follow my heart one more time. We needed to try again…I could feel it in every inch of my being. And so we did. We charged forward with everything we had to give. We decided this was it…this was the last time we could try, and we had to give it our all. Two embryos, an extensive supplemental plan from a naturopath, more medications, and more needles. FOUR injections in my body, every day, for 12 weeks. It seemed insane at the time. I felt like a warrior preparing my body for battle, determined to win.
As it turns out – we won.
Just weeks after the transfer, I found myself sheepishly pulling maternity pants out of storage, and sighing with relief as I slid into them and remembered just how comfy they are. I thought I must be crazy, because it was too early for this, but I chalked it up to hormonal bloating and wore those pants with pride. I found myself avoiding many foods and eating pickled beets from a jar before bed. And one evening, I was watching the bachelorette with my teenage daughter and had to run to the bathroom like a professional Olympic runner, because I thought I was about to vomit all over myself. I was pregnant, and I knew it. But I refused to acknowledge it. We had been here before – we had seen that positive test and received that promising bloodwork, only to have an ultrasound and see a tiny little bean without a heartbeat. So, I refused to get anyone’s hopes up this time.
Soon after, we went for blood work, and the numbers were sky high. We jumped a little but with excitement, but still, kept our guards up, knowing that anything could happen.
A couple more weeks went by, and my pregnancy “symptoms” seemed to be non-existent, besides being completely exhausted. I started to worry, and was a wreck on the morning of the ultrasound. I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing that heartbroken look on my intended parents’ faces one more time. We met at the fertility clinic and my intended mother squeezed my hand as we anxiously waited to be called in. Finally, our turn came and we headed into the dimly lit ultrasound room. As a lay down on the exam table, my intended parents stood behind the technician, squeezing eachother tightly. As I held my breath, and said a little prayer, I saw my intended mother burst out in a huge smile of relief. She saw, clear as day, two beautiful, flickering heart beats on the screen in front of her.
Love at first sight.
The weeks following have just flown by. My belly started growing rapidly, and by 7 weeks, strangers were starting to comment and ask questions. My “symptoms” remained subtle, and I was very lucky to dodge morning sickness for the most part. I couldn’t function without a nap every day for the first trimester, and often wondered if someone could actually die of exhaustion. Turns out, I got through it, and am starting to feel a little more energized these days. At 13 weeks, I started feeling movement – I thought I was crazy and making it up in my mind, but an ultrasound confirmed that baby B was kicking right where I could feel it. At 15 weeks, I could feel baby A moving, and now, can usually decipher which baby is moving. My intended parents are anxiously awaiting their turn to feel those little thumps. They’ve also recorded a couple of story books, that my kids hold up to my belly every night, so the babies can hear their mommy and daddy’s voice. All in all, it’s been a beautiful experience, and we are all enjoying it immensely.
Phew…now that I have shared this news, and have accepted that this is a healthy pregnancy and we can stop worrying, I feel much better. I look forward to sharing more regular posts along our journey, and welcome any questions you may have.
P.S. The twins are due on Valentine’s Day!!!!
P.S.S. Many of you asked me how I decided to become a surrogate, and how I began the process. Quite honestly, it is something I first heard about as a teenager, and was instantly hooked. I stored it in the back of my mind until I knew I was done having my own babies, and then took the leap! After I connected with Sally, the owner of my surrogacy agency, it was a smooth and simple process. She is an open book, and guided me through each and every question and concern I had. If you are thinking about it, please do it. In this agency alone, there are 30 couples waiting on a surrogate. It is absolutely heartbreaking! If you would like more information, or would like to pick my brain about it, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. Amanda@nestinginstinctkw.com